Is the Modern Hook-Up Really a Threat?

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That was the question I had to ponder while I waited on the line for my turn to speak. A few days before I’d received an email from Cynthia Harding, a radio talk-show host in South Carolina. She wanted someone from Confronting Love to be a guest on her show on Sunday, September 4. The topic was relationships, the focus that question above.

My first reaction when I saw the email was, “what, exactly, does modern day hook-up mean?” So I replied and asked her that. Her reply:

I am referring to the increase in casual sexual relationships–replacing committed relationships–the boyfriend/girlfriend kind…

First of all, I guess I didn’t realize that casual relationships were a phenomenon of modern times. I’m not a casual relationship kind of guy, but I could see where she was going with the question. I thought about it. I realized that the real problem I had with the question wasn’t the term “modern day hook-up.” It was with the word “threat.”

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At 2:55 in the afternoon I called in to the radio station and was put through to Cynthia. It was clear she was in business mode. She was frank, direct. She told me I’d be brought in during the second segment and that I could hang on the line and listen to the show. Her guests included a reverend and a university professor (in-studio) and a book author from Ohio (phone).

I listened to them discuss the effects of one-night stands and “friends with benefits” on committed relationships. The conversation went exactly as I expected it to — very traditional viewpoints (yes, they are affecting traditional relationships — this is a bad thing). There was a lot of judgement passed around and a lot of speculation and contrived situations. There were very general questions like, “Do men say I love you to get sex, and do women use sex to get the I love you?”

(At this point I wish I had the archive of the show so I could get into more detail. As it is, I’ve asked twice if an archive will be forthcoming but have not received any response.)

I patiently waited until after the first commercial break. And I waited. And I listened. The public was calling in, weighing in on the question, with Cynthia and the guests responding. A second commercial break came around and I still hadn’t been brought into the conversation. Finally at the 52-minute mark Cynthia addressed me and asked for my thoughts. They went something like this.

First of all, I think that there have been a lot of sweeping generalizations made. I think the answer to all of your questions on the show is yes AND no. There has been a lot of judging over whether this is good or that is bad. I don’t think that’s fair.

What we fail to do — where we are failing as a society — is encouraging self-love and self-respect. We are led to believe, through the media and Hollywood especially, that in order to be fulfilled, complete, that we need someone else.

The main tenet of Confronting Love is self-love. That we don’t need anyone else to be fulfilled. We need to teach people to learn how to love themselves, to have respect for themselves. When one truly loves from the inside that radiates outwards and affects other people in a positive way.

The reverend chimed in at this point and questioned me. I don’t remember what he said exactly, but I was under the impression that he misconstrued what I was saying and thought it narcissistic. I explained how I could see how people can interpret self-love as a narcissistic thing, but that it wasn’t. (End my segment on the radio show. My 45 seconds of fame over.)

Narcissism is when the ego is involved.

Narcissism is saying, “hey, look at me, look how great I am!” This is not self-love. This is the opposite of self-love, it smacks of insecurity and self-doubt. It’s compensation for what’s missing inside. Self-love is accepting yourself for who you are. It’s treating yourself as a good and venerable person, despite any “faults” you might have. This isn’t to say that you don’t want to grow as a person, but it’s recognizing what you want to change, and at the same time understanding that it’s a process and takes time. But it’s still OK to be yourself.

Self-love is also being OK alone. It’s learning how to feel fulfilled even in the absence of a significant other. We don’t need someone else to complete us. We are complete already.

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While I waited on the phone for my chance to speak, I thought about that word. THREAT. “Is the modern day hook-up a threat to traditional relationships?” The question was faulty. The question has judgement built into it. Hook-ups are bad. Traditional relationships are good. Bad is threatening good. WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

No. Hook-ups are hook-ups and committed relationships are committed relationships. This is the problem with traditional viewpoints; it’s a refusal to accept change, to question the status quo. If there has been a sharp increase in one-night stands and casual encounters, it’s worth it to ask, “Why?” Why is the divorce rate the way it is? Why are people deciding not to get married or have kids?

Relationships are evolving. What has worked in the past is not working anymore. That doesn’t mean that it was wrong before. And it doesn’t mean that what’s going on today is wrong. Times are different. It is what it is. It’s not a matter of seeing something as a “threat” to something else, something to be condemned or rallied against.

This is what this website is about. This is why Christine and I started it, to get the discussion going, to get the “taboos” out there in the open. To embrace all in a loving way and work through it together, not isolate people because they choose to express themselves differently. Everyone has something of value to say.

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