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Things to NOT to Say to Your Friend Who’s Just Been Dumped
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The other day my partner and I sat in the car, looking out the window at a scene of mountains and a beach on a lake. She nonchalantly came up with the idea for this list and we sat there coming up with line after line. It’s certainly no laughing matter when one is going through the heartbreak of a break-up, but when not in that state it can be a good source of amusement. Serendipitously, she would later wander down to the beach and come across a guy with whom she had a conversation with. It turned out he had just broken up with his girlfriend.
1. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
2. Turn your frown upside down!
3. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
4. I didn’t like him / her anyway.
5. It’s not like it was forever.
6. I have someone you should meet.
7. Let’s go out and find you someone.
8. You two weren’t a good match.
9. Do you mind if I call him / her?
10. Now we can hang out more!
11. Suck it up.
12. You two would have made ugly babies.
13. I actually really like his / her new girlfriend / boyfriend.
14. At least you don’t have to deal with the inlaws anymore.
15. Have you heard of Plenty of Fish?
16. He / she stunk.
17. Maybe you’ll be less needy now.
18. You were kind of an asshole / bitch around her / him.
19. Someone will come along when you least expect it.
20. Would this be the wrong time to tell you I slept with him / her?
21. How could you let this happen?
22. You know, you’re not getting any younger.
23. I told you you should have just had anal sex.
24. Ever think of getting a pet?
25. That’s why I never get attached.
26. Have you ever looked into polyamory?
27. He / she isn’t worth being depressed about.
28. You’re wasting your time, you could be looking for someone else.
29. It’s time you got back on your horse.
30. It’s when you stop looking that the right person comes along.
31. Maybe it’s time to lower your expectations.
32. Maybe you should do a cleanse.
33. I think you need professional help.
34. Quit your whining.
35. Guess who I just saw [ex] with?
36. I’d invite you, but it’s only couples going.
37. You’re ruining your make-up.
38. I know, let’s watch The Notebook!
39. Statistics weren’t on your side anyway. You were bound to break up.
40. So…what are you going to do with that extra ticket to Hawaii?
41. I know this is horrible timing, but I just got engaged!
42. Hey, isn’t that the restaurant where he / she proposed to you?
43. My boyfriend / girlfriend and I are going on a vacation. Can you watch our cat for us?
44. That ice cream will go straight to your hips.
45. You’ll never guess who I just saw in that new sex shop.
46. My yoga instructor thinks you should practice non-attachment.
47. That much sex isn’t good for you anyway.
48. You know, sadness is a really unattractive quality.
49. Tell you what, I’ll be your date to your company dinner!
50. Stop crying.