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Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. ~Jennifer James

Spontaneous conversation with a good friend over green tea and a hazelnut-covered gluten-free chocolate chip cupcake. I lick the cream cheese icing off the tip of my forefinger, and she tells me how the boy did the same thing. Again.

Accept the struggle until it overwhelms you.

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We end up somewhere around the difference between jealousy and envy. They are different, but how different are they? I relate how I sat not too terribly long ago with a pang of jealousy, allowing the sharp notes to infect me first, then stood back and began to dissect it. Top layer, overall desire to kick and scream and be pissed and shove away. Next layer, which part of the situation made me feel this pain? Another layer down, it’s the not knowing that gets to me. And further, the fear of loss and/or not being enough.

How does envy compare? We attempt to open this up too: it seems to be interpersonal instead of intrapersonal. Or, even beyond that, envy is often about seeing something in others that we believe we don’t have, and is better than what we do have. This has more to do with an intangible thing than a person.

I see a couple walk down the street who stop and kiss and think, “Man, I want to have a relationship like that” = envy. I see a former boyfriend walk down the street with his new girlfriend who stop and kiss and think, “Man, why is he with her?” = jealousy.

But aren’t both based in the same thing? Wanting what we (think we) can’t have? Not being enough as we are?

Envy almost seems lighter. Like you can say, “I’m envious that she’s got a sweet three-person yellow bike with the multi-colored confetti handlebar ends.” You can state that and move on with your life (usually). Jealousy, on the other hand, feels bigger, like, “I wish I could cut my heart right out of my chest at this moment with this dull butter knife because you flirted with that bartender.”

You know what I’m saying.

Thing is, jealousy is there to contend with. Envy, too. But maybe jealousy gives us a bigger chance to grow. Maybe jealousy isn’t this horrible emotion that we’ve put into the corner, turned toward the wall with a dunce cap on. Maybe it’s as important to growth and will and change to feel it, be in it, note where it comes from while balancing not being taken over by it. It’s possible. Nothing has to take you over unless you let it.

Maybe it’s just a little post-it note covered in what your heart needs more of. 

Do you think there is a difference between envy and jealousy?