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Cheating is a Cop Out
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Remember what we used to do kids who cheated on the playground? We kicked their ass, and they were relegated to play by themselves for months. You know why? Because cheating is selfish, and as a tribal species, we know at the primal level, selfish is dangerous. That’s why we set up rules. Imagine if football had no rules - people would get hurt pretty fast, huh? We scream at the TV if the other team violates the rules and the referee doesn’t call it out - why? Because if the rules don’t apply equally to both parties, then the game isn’t legit.
Cheating means a lot of things, but it’s mostly just a cop out. It says, hey, I don’t have the guts to actually address a situation where I’m unfulfilled, insecure, or just plain bored. I’m not going to discuss it with my partner, work on my own issues, or end a relationship that isn’t quite right - instead, I’m going to shop for something better, get short term satisfaction, and generally just play by my own rules - I don’t care if I waste people’s time.
With cheating in relationships, we tend to turn a blind eye. Well, my eyes are wide open, and I am sick of what I’m seeing. So I recently did some old-fashioned ass-kicking with one of my most cherished friends.
This friend is a great guy. I mean one-of-a-kind, almost too good to be true kind of guy. I was crushed when he started down the road of cheating on his girlfriend.
He’s got a cute, smart, fun, and ridiculously sweet girlfriend of 4 months I’ll call Mary. My friend does not feel that spark with Mary, and when he asked me for advice, I said simply: cut her loose. Mary deserves someone to feel “that way” about her, and he deserves to feel that spark. Instead - because let’s face it, people hate to be alone, especially is there isn’t a glaring reason to break up - he talked with Mary about his feelings (or lack thereof). They decided they hadn’t given it enough time and decided to work it out. Meanwhile, someone he used to date (Beth) was back on the scene, and having blown off my friend previously (apparently not ready for a relationship), this new girlfriend status was now perfect for her. I’d imagine she justified re-engaging with him by saying to herself, hey, it’s his commitment, not mine. Whatever, I can’t wait till your boyfriend does this to you. And if it’s already happened to you, then you need a lobotomy.
So he hung out one night with Beth and a great evening turned into some smooching. He and Beth knew that was a stupid move, and they decided to be platonic only on their next get together. Next get-together? Are you stupid? Several “platonic” dates ensued. I use platonic in quotes because emotional cheating, in my book, is even worse than physical cheating. These are not two friends getting together, there’s romantic interest on both sides, and they’ve already crossed the line. There is no doubt - none at all - that given just a little more time - they would cross it again, no matter what good intentions they had. But that’s secondary. What bugged me was that he was spending his time, energy and emotions on a relationship that is not the one he’s committed to. His relationship with his girlfriend would fail not because of sex/kissing/etc. with “the other woman”, it would fail because he changed the rules, and the game is fixed.
Anyway. I strongly advised him not to hang out with Beth. Sure, he’s got a lot of platonic girlfriends, but entertaining someone he used to have a crush on? Dangerous. We’re all human. Don’t hedge your bet, Mary deserves better than that. Either focus on your relationship with her (as discussed and committed to), or hang out with Beth. But don’t do both, it’s not fair, and it’s not playing by the rules. But like so many today, he just wanted to try one thing without losing the other, and he convinced himself it was platonic, and therefore, not cheating.
Why did I care so much? Well, Mary is in love with my friend big time and I refuse to smile in Mary’s face knowing he’s enjoying dates with Beth. Let me remind everyone - when you cheat, you make everyone around you an accomplice as well. It’s unfair, and not a choice we made. I started to lose respect for my friend because he didn’t man-up and cut Mary loose so he could freely explore possibilities with Beth, and he also inadvertently put me in a very uncomfortable situation.
So I called bullshit on him. He was defensive at first. Then he was mad at me. After some time, I pleaded, “tell me why you’re mad. I know this is hard, but you’re a better man than this, and that’s exactly why I’m calling you out in it.” After a very, very long silence, he said, “I’m mad…because…well, you’re right. I really didn’t intend for anything more than friendship with Beth, but what hit home is that I’m focusing time and energy on Beth, when I should be focusing it on Mary. You’re right, it isn’t fair to Mary, and she’s a great girl.”
Some of you may be saying - hey, it’s just dating so it’s not that big of a deal, right? Wrong. It’s a committed relationship, and either it’s a commitment, or it’s not. We are in our 30’s now, there is absolutely no excuse for hedging your bet. If you commit, then honor it. If you don’t want to be tied down, then don’t make a commitment. If you want to change the rules in the middle of the game, then let the other player know. If it’s not working, end it. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for cheating, and in the end, it’s always a cop out. Nothing “just happens”. You set things in motion from the get-go. So if you don’t have impulse control, don’t put yourself in sketchy situations.
Recently, at a dinner party, someone said “If it’s just boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s fair game, once you’re married, it’s different.” WTF? Are you kidding me? What do you think prepares you for marriage, for a lifetime commitment? Dating does. If you can’t man-up when you date, then you’ll be in deep shit when you’re married. It’s hard enough with everything else, cheating is a cop out, and cop out habits impact every element of marriage. And folks, if you can’t respect other people’s commitments, then you don’t deserve one for yourself.
Temptations will always be there, the grass always seem greener on the other side, the list goes on. If you plan on getting married, you better start practicing honoring your commitments now, ’cause it only gets tougher once the ring is one. I know, I’ve been married. Divorced him over cheating. He had the audacity to believe that he could play by one set of rules, and I by another. I honored my commitment and he took an easier path - he decided to cop out. People assume I was upset about the other women. I didn’t give a shit about them, they took sloppy seconds after all. I was, however, devastated for a long, long time about the lack of respect. I got duped, played a game that was fixed, and I can never get that time back. I forgave him for the act of cheating a long time ago - but I have never, and will never, forgive him for robbing me of time.
If you have a relationship with someone, respect the investment and sacrifices they have made for you and 1) work it out with them 2) cut ‘em lose or 3) tell them the rules have changed so they can enjoy the same freedom you gave yourself.
Make no mistake, if you cheat, you’re simply being a selfish and you’re wasting someone’s valuable time. For those of you who like to claim “shades of gray” with cheating - if you’re not telling your partner about it, you’re cheating and you know it. People who “kind of cheat” should stay in casual dating territory. The kiddie table is over in the corner with the other children who can’t control themselves and need to constantly be reminded that rules are there for a reason.
If you’re currently emotionally or physically cheating, give yourself a time-out, re-assess, and pick #1-3 above. If you know someone who is cheating, and care about them, have the courage to guide them in the right direction. We’re all human, we make mistakes, so treat them with kindness but make it clear you expect better from them as a person. Just don’t turn a blind eye, too much of that going on in society today. For most of us, love and commitment is the end game, and there are rules to that game. Let’s all play fair.