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A Guide for Nice Guys in Dating
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You’re a nice guy…you know it, so does everyone else. You believe in treating girls with respect. You buy her flowers whenever you can, you’re caring when necessary, and supportive in whatever she may want or need. Let’s face it, you’re a great catch and any woman would be lucky to have you. So why is it you constantly end up in the dreaded “friend” zone instead of dating the object of your affection?
This question haunts most of the men on the planet. You think things are going well, building rapport and learning more about each other. Then you make a vaguely romantic move, she pulls back, things get awkward, and eventually she ends up saying something along the lines of, “you’re a really nice guy, but I just don’t feel that way about you.” What happened?
Most of the time, you made just one fatal mistake. Picture in your mind a beautiful girl sitting across from you at dinner. Now picture yourself asking her how her day was. She says it was stressful because her boss is being a bitch. You ask what her boss is doing and she tells you. For five minutes she goes on and on about how horrid her boss is, then says, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bothering you with this.” Your response? “No, it’s okay, go on.” She continues on. If this seems like any conversation you’ve had with a girl you’re attracted to, then I can tell you right now what you did wrong. Did you spot it yet?
I can sum up the issue in a simple phrase that you should carry with you always: friends solve her problems, lovers make her forget her problems. It may seem like allowing her to open up and vent is a good thing. It would be if you were already married; it’s not during the first few meetings. The problem is twofold. First, you’re having her focus on something that’s bothering her, and instead of her letting it go, she’s pondering it more, exploring her emotions surrounding her disappointment or upset. And you’re feeding it. According to some psychological theories, she’ll begin to equate those feelings with your presence, which you definitely don’t want. Second, you’re just being a typical man trying to solve problems that you can’t really begin to fathom. You’re showing empathy, yes, but you’re not really making things better.
Life is tough sometimes, for sure, but she already has friends to whom she can vent. What she doesn’t have is someone to capture her mind and imagination so entirely that she forgets about all the things that are bothering her. You must, under all circumstances, resist the urge to solve her problems.
So how do you turn the conversation around? Hopefully you won’t fall into this trap now that you know about it, but let’s say she interjects about having a rough day at work because of her boss. You cannot ignore what she just said because that would be rude. There is a four-step process to escape this trap:
- Acknowledge her remark and her frustration/anger/etc.
- Relate it to something you’ve experienced
- Explain what you did to feel better
- Transition into a happy story
In the previous example, you could react like this: “Oh man, that must be incredibly frustrating for you. I remember this one job I had where my boss was a micromanager. He drove me absolutely nuts! But you know what would make me feel better? Man, I’d go home and my 5-month old puppy would be waiting for me with his little tail wagging as soon as I walked through the door. That little guy was just so excited to see me. We’d go out and play in the park for a bit, playing fetch. Oh, that reminds me, one time I was on the beach and these two little kids were playing with a puppy…”
You should, of course, use actual stories from your life. The point is to turn the conversation away from the negative and back onto the positive as quickly as possible. She’ll appreciate your ability to take her mind off of normal life. This is actually what people mean when they say a good sense of humor is important to them. It’s not making them laugh that’s important, it’s making them feel good and forgetting about life for a while. The easiest way to do that is through humor, but you can also do it equally as well using happy stories. One of the best gifts you can give is the gift of distraction…she’ll love you for it.