kazanka.gnomio.com
A Few Thoughts on Conflict in Dating
Looking For Mature Dating? Try Loveawake free dating site:
If you’re someone who pushes away your partner whenever you are suffering, odds are that don’t have much trust in the relationship. And if you are someone who doesn’t give any space, who thinks that any “alone time” during a period of struggle is a problem, then odds are that you probably don't trust the relationship.
The key to dealing with challenges in any relationship is balance. You have to learn to give your partner enough space and time to process. And/or cool down if he or she is really upset and can't handle a conversation right now. You also have to learn how to re-engage, and not simply hide out until things "blow over." Because more often then not, something that goes unaddressed will return later, sometimes in a much stronger, more difficult way.
It's very much the case that I am one of those guys who needs time and space to process difficulties. Not to say I can't handle conflict in the moment, but more that for bigger issues, I tend to be slower to understand what it is that's going on with myself. As a student of meditation, yoga, and other spiritual disciplines, I naturally gravitate towards being alone with myself during difficult times, and then later talking things out and making decisions with the help of friends, family, and my partner, if I'm with someone.
This kind of approach hasn't always gone over well with the women I have been with. At least one long term girlfriend wanted to hash it all out right away, even if it got really messy and confusing. Now, there's nothing wrong with messy. Sometimes, it's absolutely the best idea to hash things out in the here and now. However, when things devolve into yelling, insults, and wildly off accusations, I think a different approach is called for.
One thing I have learned through all of this is how to be more vocal about what I need during such times. And yet, when I'm feeling weakened by something difficult going on in life, it's just not as easy to muster up the energy to say "I really would like this from you." Or "Could you not do that?" So, it's good to practice doing this kind of thing when you feel good, and when you're partner is doing also doing well.
In the end, the real balance point in a relationship is finding a way to honor your partner's natural way of coping, while also doing the same for your own. Sometimes, you have to adapt a bit, moving towards how your partner does something. Other times, it's your partner who moves towards your way.
This is the dance of a healthy relationship. Conflict is, if handled well, an opportunity for each person to grow.
People Are Too Into "Having Options" These Days
I just talked to a friend of mine who has been seeing someone for about 2 1/2 months now. A little while back, he asked her if she was interested in a relationship with him, and she said there is "potential."
In a blog post I read this morning, the author wrote about having too many options, but also liking to date folks with busy schedules and who aren't "needy" or "clingy."
On another blog, several men complained about not getting enough responses from women online, and yet, at least a few seemed quick to reject the idea of making a commitment, which makes me wonder what their dating profiles say.
A few weeks back, I read a story about a woman who fell in love rather quickly, and then started having a few doubts about the relationship. Almost the entire comment thread was filled with people telling her that the guy was probably hiding something, or that falling in love quickly is always trouble, or that she might get burned. All of which has some truth to it, but at the same time, so many of the comments seemed built on projections,and were not responding to the given story.
I think many of us are addicted to options. To keeping the door open in case something else better is found around the corner. We've been marketed to in this way endlessly. Our schooling is filled with messages that having choices is the pinnacle of freedom.
All the while, when we have too many choices, we tend to suffer, feel overwhelmed, and often choose to stay in limbo. It's like the obsession with multitasking, which seems like a good skill, but which research is proving to be much more a liability than anything else.
You can't develop a deep, conscious relationship with someone if you're juggling two, three, or four others at the same time. You also can't develop that relationship if part of you believes someone better might come along someday.
Perhaps someone better will come along someday, but what about RIGHT NOW? Where are you now?
In the end, you can't really love someone if your multitasking your relationship. It's just fine if you're just into something casually. But if you want something more, you're fooling yourself behaving in ways like this.